The Letters

Deep reflection ahead warning.

This past week I was in New Orleans for a conference. I was speaking at the conference (our main purpose for the conference) and working in the exhibit hall with a few colleagues. The week began with meeting a manager from a different region of the country who was there to assist me with the conference. This meeting began with the usual exchange of pleasantries and polite professionalism. However, as time went quickly by, this manager’s disposition and true nature revealed itself to be inherently unprofessional and poisonous. Behavior included: erratic action, unfocused thought, drunkenness, contempt for others, sloth, gossip, discrimination, manipulation, lying , self-important grandstanding, self-centered actions, gross tardiness, dressing me down for no reason, and general meanness towards me and others working with the conference.

I will make no secret that this has not been a great month for me. My stress levels are at the highest they’ve been in since I was diagnosed with Cancer and pronounced Cancer-free 8 years ago this month. Every year, at this time, I get a little off remembering the important, life-altering, event of my Cancer survival and the lesson learned.

The conference, which was supposed to be a highlight of my year, just as it is every year I am invited back, turned into a stressful dim point for the year thus far. The conference-goers were the saving grace and I enjoyed that aspect of the event along with the wonderful people in my workshops. Many of which I will be following up with to talk about their feedback and offer assistance as needed. I cling to that bright light in the dimness and darkness of the conference happenings.

On the way home from the conference on Wednesday night, I plugged in my earphones and played my feeling mellow playlist on my iPod. The tracks rolled passed and I felt more and more melancholy; until The Letters by Leonard Cohen came up. I love Leonard Cohen and have for a long time. In some cases his poetry makes me jump and other times makes me reflect. This time, I cried. I was crying on the plane as the words, music, and sentiment filled my mind (if you’ve not heard the song listen to it here). I wasn’t sure why. I stopped the song to make it repeat over and over again so I could more fully understand the song.

I found many meanings and weighed them against the current mood and thoughts preceding the song. What I came to was a meaning of desperately needing help, a wounded relationship in recovery, the journey to help, and the gathering of people to aid another (the author of the letter). This is a cursory meaning for the sake of the post here but touches on the importance of my thinking. I am listening to it more and dissecting it for more; that is my personal reflection for now.

As the hours of listening to this song went by, I reflected deeper about why this song/poem was speaking to me. I reflected on the tests put before me in the past month and longer. I reflected on the life I lead and what has brought me to the point. I lead a good life and have a wonderful family and network of friends. I fill my life with thoughtful action, academic growth, service, and focus. Something is missing, purpose, and The Letters highlighted a symbolic letter I’ve been writing and sending out for some time now. The reply came to me on the plane; after the tests given to me were passed and I stood in the “solitude of strength”. I need purpose now and to welcome influence so that I can make this a better place (in every sense including metaphysical).

The next post contains more on this reflection period.

Image Source: Glynnis Ritchie

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